“Tanya, 28, a secure woman we interviewed, put it very simply: | Bookovna

“Tanya, 28, a secure woman we interviewed, put it very simply: “I’ve slept with eleven guys in my life and they’ve all wanted to have a serious relationship with me. I guess it’s something I convey. I know that I get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to know, not just in bed, that if they stick around, there’s a treasure to be revealed. “The guys I show interest in don’t play games—that is very important to me. They call immediately the next day, or at the very latest the next evening. In return, right from the start I show them that I’m interested. There were only two men in my life that waited two days to call, and I screened them both out immediately.” Notice that Tanya wastes no time at all on men she perceives as not being responsive enough to her needs. To some, her decisions might seem rash, but for secure people such behavior comes naturally. <...>

The important thing about her approach is that Tanya assumes that if her partner treats her disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth. She also doesn’t have too many negative feelings about these two men. It’s just a nonissue for her, and she instinctively moves on. This is very different from someone anxious who would probably assume that she was to blame for her date’s actions. She might start to second-guess her own behavior — “I must have come on too strong,” “I should have invited him up,” or “It was so stupid to ask about his ex” — giving the wrong people a second, third, or fourth chance.”